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So, around two decades ago, when I was a footloose single guy, I lived in the Phoenix area but would return home to Northern Arizona for the Holidays. And, being the night owl type, I'd find myself puttering around long after everyone else had gone to bed.

On this particular Christmas Eve, I was eating Santa's cookies when I heard a noise from the front porch. I thought it was probably a cat, but when I glanced out the window, I saw the silhouette of a man standing there.

My childhood was rife with memories of a neighbor who would get drunk then end up at the wrong house - so seeing someone just standing on the porch at midnight was not something I took lightly. I watched for a moment, then went around to the door.

I opened the door, and saw him more clearly - a little shorter than I was (not hard), and still just standing there. I asked if I could help him, and he didn't answer. I pushed open the screen door and stepped out, speaking more forcefully: "Hey! Buddy! Everything okay? Can I help you?"

Still no answer.

I moved onto the porch - he stood ten feet away - and walked right up to him and practically yelled, "HEY!" And THIS got a response - he hissed something I couldn't understand and lunged at me.

I took five years of Tae Kwon Do, and my reaction was instinctive: I stepped back and threw my best kick squarely at his face.

It worked - not only did my kick throw him backwards and away from me, but it also snapped his head cleanly off, and I watched in horror as it sailed into the middle of the yard.

I stood there in shock, trying to decide what to do, when the porch light came on, and the rest of the household came outside to see what was the matter. They found me there, standing over the now headless body of Joseph, father of Jesus, in a now demolished nativity scene.

When I yelled, it scared the cat sleeping in the manger, and it had hissed and jumped against Joseph, knocking him forward. And so I got to explain why I'd basically beheaded Jesus' dad in the process of protecting the household from our own cat.

Why I didn't just turn on the light myself is a mystery that may never be solved.

Merry Christmas, everyone.


( 39 comments — Leave a comment )
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Dec. 22nd, 2009 12:05 am (UTC)
That may become one of my favorite Christmas stories ever.
Dec. 22nd, 2009 12:10 am (UTC)
LOL... and I just now realized how many of my friends (writers) collect stories like this. Mom's Joseph STILL has a 2 by 4 nailed to him to keep his head on. ;)

(no subject) - maryrobinette - Dec. 22nd, 2009 12:11 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - coppervale - Dec. 22nd, 2009 12:13 am (UTC) - Expand
Dec. 22nd, 2009 12:07 am (UTC)
Never has the use of this icon been more perfect
Dec. 22nd, 2009 12:19 am (UTC)
Re: Never has the use of this icon been more perfect
I also broke off an ear when I was nailing his head back on.
Dec. 22nd, 2009 12:18 am (UTC)
You are such a good and captivating writer I found myself shocked when I read the part where you beheaded someone tae kwon do style! *chuckles*
Dec. 22nd, 2009 12:18 am (UTC)
I cannot even begin to describe to you how welcome this was to read.

I'm sitting here laughing and laughing and laughing.

Oh, I'm so glad I'm not the only one who's done things like that.
Dec. 22nd, 2009 12:19 am (UTC)
You got me. You really had me going there!
Dec. 22nd, 2009 12:32 am (UTC)
I too was holding my breath through this entire story! Wonderfully written. Thank you!
Dec. 22nd, 2009 01:57 am (UTC)
It's begging for a Kyle Cassidy photo involving tinsel, a sheep, and Chuck Norris.
Dec. 22nd, 2009 12:33 am (UTC)

Though next time, post a beverage warning! *g*
Dec. 22nd, 2009 01:01 am (UTC)
Merry Christmas, Sir! All the best to you and your loved ones.
Dec. 22nd, 2009 01:14 am (UTC)
You KILLED Baby Jesus's DADDY?!?

(and then you brought him "back to life" but turned him into Vincent Van Gogh...?)

(Christmas will never be the same again...)
Dec. 22nd, 2009 04:28 pm (UTC)
Yeah, but I had a word with his other Dad and everything's cool. ;)
Dec. 22nd, 2009 01:20 am (UTC)

and a Merry Christmas to you
Dec. 22nd, 2009 01:30 am (UTC)
I laughed and laughed!!
Dec. 22nd, 2009 01:42 am (UTC)
I'm visiting my parents for Christmas and forced them to read this so that they could also get a well-needed laugh. Thanks!
Dec. 22nd, 2009 02:01 am (UTC)
LOL! Must show Tech Support.
Dec. 22nd, 2009 02:48 am (UTC)


I love you so much. *hugs*
Dec. 22nd, 2009 03:19 am (UTC)

Merry Christmas!
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( 39 comments — Leave a comment )